2050 Moscow Video Game Olympics Recap: Day 1

For the 2050 Video Game Olympics we will be reviewing the day’s highlights, news and more through a daily report. The opening day of the Olympics has been an eventful one with many controversies over the suspected use of hacks and shortages of supplies in the Olympic village.

A significant highlight from this morning is that 0|ymp1c H@x0r has won the gold medal in quick scoping for the tenth year in a row. Though foul play is suspected, like all the other years, the AHO (Anti-Hacking Olympic Organization) hopes to be able to gather enough evidence this year to lead a case against 0|ymp1c H@x0r. If caught, guilty players who have used or are using hacks will have their computers confiscated and they will face a life-time ban from owning a computer. However, the UN issued a statement, calling this punishment inhumane because in the past many players have developed PTSD and have turned insane shortly after their computer privileges were stripped. The UN has said to the VGO (Video Game Olympics Organization), “If you do not make the penalty less severe we will cut off the Video Game Olympics internet access.” This action could cause mass hysteria in the viewer and gamer populace, possibly worse hysteria than the 2036 Mountain Dew and Doritos shortage.  Thus, the VGO is taking immediate and decisive action by reducing the severity of the punishment.   The proposed new punishment is for hacks to be denied access to fast food for a one year period, except for on significant faith days.  The two sides will meet tomorrow to hammer out the details of the agreement.  

Another surprising development this afternoon is that there is a shortage of supplies in the Olympic village which have many scrambling to the local super stores. This morning the supply of adult diapers ran dry causing many people to actually have to use the washroom. One gamer xXRaGeGaMeRXx fumed, “We actually have to do something other than play video games; this is the worst Olympics ever.” Also the supplies of Mountain Dew and Doritos is running low causing Mountain Dew to be sold for twenty dollars a can and a small bag of Doritos to be sold forty dollars a bag. D0rit0$E@tEr3649 has declared from his mother’s basement, “Only the rich can afford Mountain Dew and Doritos. I say we take to Wall Street.” But our gamer phycologist states that, “While many people are angry and want to protest on Wall Street, I predict nobody will because of the laziness of most gamers these days.” The VGO has said that more supplies are being shipped in and should arrive tomorrow.  In the meantime, riot police have been assembled at key points in Olympic village to guard against the formation of a potential lethal mob.

Tomorrow is the Wii Sports tennis finals, RaCkEtMaN against baLLhiTTer. It is expected to be an aggressive match from the trash talking going on before. RaCkEtMaN shouted at baLLhiTTer, “You don’t deserve to be on the same court with me. You’re the worst I have ever played, throw you racket in the garbage and never play ever again.” baLLhiTTer reply’s “You cannot play any better than me you newb.” They plan to have extra security in case one of the players decides to assault the other. Today in the semifinals two time world champion, ballWhacker had a horrendous injury when he went to hit the ball he overrated his wrist causing him to tear his thumb muscle. He is not expected to be playing in the next world championships due to this reason.

Tomorrow is expected to bring many exciting video game events like the Pokémon tournament, NHL 2050 tournament and Gold Fish 2 VS 2. More supplies are expected to arrive at the Olympic village and the newly anticipated Talking 2.0 video game, where players can talk to perfect computer friends is expected to be showcased tomorrow.

THIS REPORT WAS SPONSORED BY: MOUNTAIN DEW AND DORITOS